Beginning to close the gender pay gap with assertive communication
Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash
When did you last stand up for yourself at work? Whether asking for a well-earned raise or promotion, or sharing an idea in a meeting, assertive communication can help you stand a little taller and own your value in your career.
Assertiveness can present a fine line to walk, especially for women, but it’s a skill you can hone with practice and intention.
Addressing the assertiveness gender gap
Framing assertiveness as a gender-related issue makes me grit my teeth a bit. As an executive coach, I believe in the power of emotional and social intelligence skills. I know from experience that everyone has access to these skills and can apply them, regardless of age, gender, background or any other classification.
I have seen both men and women successfully navigate career challenges and difficult negotiations using these important skills. However, a bias persists related to how assertive a woman should act. Assertiveness is perceived as aggression in women far more often than in men.
Writing for Forbes, Kim Elsesser laid out a double-edged sword that women face at work:
“Two different explanations have been proposed for why women lag behind their male counterparts when it comes to negotiations. The tameness narrative suggests that women’s negotiations suffer because women are insufficiently ambitious or assertive and may be less likely to ask for things in the first place. Another explanation suggests that when women do engage in assertive negotiation, they face backlash because people may not think it’s appropriate for women to behave aggressively.”
The tameness narrative, as she calls it, probably feels familiar. Men have a reputation as better negotiators who advocate for themselves in salary discussions and elsewhere, although many women have formidable business acumen.
The backlash to assertiveness in women might be more surprising, but a study of 1,200 negotiations showed that discussions stalled or ended in a stalemate when women took a more assertive negotiation stance. Researchers attribute that response to unconscious bias about women’s expected behavior.
Of course this bias reveals an unfair disadvantage in the workplace, but it helps to be aware that it exists. Over time, that bias could disappear as employers address hiring practices and other initiatives to improve equity in their organizations. It also helps when women recognize what they are worth and they negotiate from a place of strength and communicate the value they deliver. Each time a woman asks for more, that helps to normalize the behavior.
Some good news
A 2021 study shows that the tides could be turning. Researchers asked 1,000 people to play a difficult online game and to listen to instructions from men and women as they played:
“The study found that when women employed assertive language, their advice was just as likely to be followed as the men’s advice, and the gender gap disappeared. Players were more likely to take the assertive advice from both men and women.”
Some instructors used more timid language, while others read assertive statements, such as:
“I am not sure whether it is a good choice.” (not assertive)
“I am convinced that it is the best choice.” (assertive)
Stating advice from a place of expertise and with an air of authority convinces the listener to heed it. Adding less-confident modifiers like “I am not sure” or “This may or may not be helpful, but…” takes away their impact.
In the study’s abstract, however, researchers noted that the women instructors often avoided using self-promotional language:
“Assertive language significantly increased advice following, but we find no evidence for gender discrimination. We also find that assertive language had positive returns for both male and female leaders, despite subjects perceiving this language as more masculine. However, female subjects were still less likely to choose the self-promotional language. Thus, even in the absence of discrimination, this choice would reduce adherence to advice provided by women, generating a gender gap. Greater use of assertive language could be an effective strategy for women to increase their influence and credibility in the labor market.”
Again, women should pause here. If you feel nervous or ashamed when presenting yourself as an expert, take time to examine that tendency. As a professional with years of experience in your field, it’s time to own your value and to share it with others.
Flexing your assertiveness muscle
Regardless of your gender, paying attention to the words you use and how you present your ideas can work to your benefit. You have earned your place in your company and your industry, and sharing your insights will benefit everyone around you.
As you embark on this new territory, start with one of the easiest assertiveness strategies: questions. As this Forbes article notes, people who ask insightful questions are perceived as more capable and intelligent. Questions also lead to deeper conversation and important relationship- and rapport-building moments – all emotional and social intelligence skills.
Beyond pointed questions, here are a few ways to practice assertiveness in your work and daily life:
Practice saying “no.” Start in your personal life and say no to leading that PTO committee or hosting the neighborhood party for the third year in a row. Then work on setting real boundaries at work and saying no when you don’t have the time or resources for a project, for example.
Eliminate the apologies. You might not realize how often you weave apologetic language into conversation. Spend a day or two writing down how often you qualify a statement with the words “I’m sorry,” and then consider how you could rephrase each one without apologizing unnecessarily. (See the end of this Forbes article for examples)
‘But’ out. Stop saying the word but. It automatically negates what you said prior to it, and it’s a bad habit. Improv actors have a game where they must say “yes, and…” to any scenario, and that can be a helpful tool in assertive communication as well. (For more on eliminating the word but, read this great Thrive Global article.)
Write assertive statements about your knowledge and expertise. Write statements like “I have unique insights in my field” or “I have a strong track record of success with…” Aim to write 15-20 of these statements and then read them aloud to yourself until they are second nature. When you use them in real life, don’t apologize. You know your stuff and it’s more than ok to say so.
Begin with one-on-one interactions. Assertiveness in group settings can pose a particular challenge for some individuals. If that applies to you, begin with one-on-one conversations to build your skills. Then try them out in a staff meeting or presentation.
Finally, let go of the idea that assertiveness = aggression. Assertiveness comes from a place of respect and shows that you value yourself and the other people involved. Aggression, on the other hand, tends to use coercion, fear, intimidation or belittling as a means to an end.
You have a right to stand up for yourself, your values, your ideas and your worth in all areas of your life.
To learn more about assertive communication and sharpening your social and emotional intelligence at work, reach out to me. I work with seasoned professionals as a career and executive coach, and I look forward to helping you realize your career goals.