I was talking to a client today who needs to give an executive leader some feedback. We anticipate that this feedback is going to cause this leader to be defensive.

So, I leaned on my training in nonviolent communication or NVC and shared this acronym: OFNR

Here is what that sounds like as an expression:

· Observation: “When I see/hear…”

· Feeling: “I feel…”

· Need: “Because I need…”

· Request: “Would you be willing…?”

Observations are a description of what is seen or heard without added interpretations. You leave out assumptions, judgements, and evaluations.

Feelings: Our emotions rather than our story or thoughts about what others are doing. Avoid the following phrasing: “I feel like . . . “ and “I feel that…” — the next words will be thoughts, not feelings.

Feelings are caused by needs, which are universal and ongoing and not dependent on the actions of individuals. State your need rather than the other person’s actions as the cause.

Requests are asking concretely and clearly for what we want (instead of what we don’t want). When we make requests, we are open to hearing a “no.” A “no” is an opportunity for further dialogue. If you are unwilling to hear a “no,” then you are making a demand and not a request.

There is a lot more to NVC, but these are the basics.

Sources: Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Micki Kashtan and Inbal Kastan

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