Facing difficult conversations can move your career and life forward
Photo by Tim Gouw for Unsplash
As a career coach, I have met many individuals who want more to show for their efforts at work. They keep their heads down and create value for their employers, but wonder why they never seem to get ahead as much as they want. In a lot of these cases, avoiding difficult conversations at work has proven to be a big part of the problem.
With the exception of a relatively small segment of the population, most humans don’t actively seek out conflict. We prefer a congenial, collaborative atmosphere in both our professional and personal lives. In fact, one study showed that:
“...70 percent of employees are avoiding difficult conversations with their boss, colleagues, and direct reports.”
While this conflict avoidance might create a friendly environment on the surface, it can lead to a number of negative consequences for the individual, the team and the entire organization.
Consequences of Conflict Avoidance
One set of researchers assigned a monetary loss of $7,500 to each difficult conversation that professionals avoid on the job. The respondents in the survey estimated wasting an average of seven days avoiding a difficult conversation. That misspent time and energy could have been invested in solving a problem or creating new ideas for the company.
Beyond the bottom line, conflict avoidance can cause a host of interpersonal challenges that undermine a team’s effectiveness, such as:
Gossip or venting behind colleagues’ backs
Resentment and low morale
Escalation of minor problems
Fearfulness that can inhibit an individual’s work performance and confidence
Mistrust within a team
Lack of engagement that can diminish innovation and creativity
On a personal level, stewing over work stress can impact everything from your sleep quality to your personal relationships. When you avoid a problem at work rather than tackle it head-on, it tends to stick with you.
While you might be seeking a comfortable out by dodging difficult conversations, in reality you have internalized the conflict. Why keep that entire burden to yourself when you could work with your boss or colleagues to create a solution that positively impacts the whole team?
Women and Conflict
Both extroverts and introverts can exhibit conflict-avoidant styles. As can both men and women.
However, women in particular tend to use this coping strategy more often. What’s more, this style can impact a woman’s career advancement. Harvard Business Review highlighted the issue:
“The women in our study were keenly aware of the rewards of visibility. They knew that being noticed — for example, by interjecting during meetings and taking credit for accomplishments — was a conventional strategy for professional advancement. Still, many women consciously rejected that strategy.
Instead, they opted for a risk-averse, conflict-avoidant strategy in the office. Women employed this ‘intentional invisibility’ when they avoided conflict with colleagues, softened their assertiveness with niceness, and ‘got stuff done’ by quietly moving things forward without drawing attention to themselves. The consequence of this approach was that they often ended up feeling well-liked but underappreciated.”
If you are a woman in the workforce, pause for a moment and consider the phrases “intentional invisibility” and “well-liked but underappreciated.” If those resonate at all, it’s time to reconsider how you use your voice at work.
How to Approach a Difficult Conversation
If you have used an under-the-radar strategy for years, learning to address conflict and raise questions at the office will take some practice.
Remember the following the next time you need to bring up an issue with your boss, a coworker or a direct-report:
Reframe it. Rather than assuming you will stir up trouble by raising an issue, reframe it for yourself. Think of it as solving a problem or sparking a change in the company that could benefit you and others. With a direct-report, think of yourself as a career coach saving them years of struggle.
Consider your delivery. Set the stage for a productive and mutually beneficial conversation by stating your desire for a positive outcome. Say something like, “I value our team (or your contribution to our team) and I wanted to discuss something that could be having a negative impact on it…” If you are speaking with a direct-report, ask for her ideas for addressing the situation.
Offer solutions. Many of us avoid conflict because we don’t want people to see us as complainers. If you offer solutions rather than simply describing problems, that shows others that you’re in it together.
Make room for two-way conversation. Take a deep breath, slow down and allow the other person to respond and ask questions. Then really listen. Moving away from monologue and into conversation places the focus on your working relationship. Seeking open, two-way communication often leads to additional insight and better collaboration.
Be open to alternatives. The other person might not respond the way you expected, or she might have a completely different take on something. If that happens, don’t assume that your perspective has been rejected. Hear out what the other person has to say and keep the conversation rolling.
Identifying and addressing issues early frees your mental energy from stress that might otherwise sit with you for weeks. When you point out issues, it allows other people to work with you to create a solution. If something isn’t working, you owe it to yourself and your colleagues to change it rather than letting it fester.
Don’t hesitate to contact me to learn how to have difficult conversations with less procrastination, less anxiety and better results. It won’t get easier in your professional or personal life until you embrace a new approach and know how to structure difficult conversations to minimize the emotional triggers that often cause them to escalate into an argument.