A definition of validation is “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”
I went to breakfast with a group of friends recently. We’ve known each other for more than 20 years and originally worked together in the HR function of a Fortune 500 company.
One of the women was sharing a story of how she was working crazy long hours and trying to get the leaders of her current employer to do the right thing related to pay and benefits for the non-executive level employees.
Lots of meetings. Lots of business case development. Think PowerPoint presentations, data, and reminding them about the importance of the team members being in place to accomplish their strategic goals. You know. Corporate speak to try to get key executives to give a damn about somebody other than themselves.
My friend goes above and beyond in every job and at every employer she has ever worked for. She fights for what she believes is right. And she is amazing at making the right things happen for the right employees.
And she cares A LOT about what other people think of her. I don’t.
She asked me how I got over it. How did I let go of the need to be validated?
My answer? I didn’t let go for a very long time. I still need validation. I just need it from fewer people than I used to.
There are many people who are impacted by the compensation consulting work my team and I do. But the big difference now is I am able to choose who to work with.
I’ve learned that if it isn’t a “hell yes,” that I need to say “no.”
I trust in the abundance that exists. I choose quality clients and don’t focus on quantity.
Can I help them? Do our values align? Are they going to be great to work with or a PITA? Do I have to pretend to be someone I am not? I’m a good actress but geez, the amount of contortion I used to do to fit in was ridiculous.
Authenticity. Freedom. Choice.
I learned to love myself. I trust myself. And I don’t let anyone else decide if I am enough or worthy.
I know I am. That core belief and “knowing” is a byproduct of years of learning the hard way that letting someone else decide is painful.
I’m a recovering people pleaser. I slip up occasionally and have to relearn this lesson.
Life is a journey. Take the first step. Honor your inherent worth and watch your life change.